War of the Worlds from director Steven Spielberg is a titanic disaster of a film with acting so cliched you’d think you’re reliving your own birth. We have the bratty teenager, the brattier young girl but the brains of the family, the hopeless father that finally does good and of course the wife that has a new partner. Put this against a backgrop of unimaginative and dull alien creatures invading the Earth and you have a wankfest of crap spewing from everyside.

I can’t express how much I hate this film and how unconvincing Roger Moore is in the lead. I say Roger Moore even though it’s Tom Cruise because it may as well be Roger Moore for the stiff and inflexible nature of the performance, and his annoying repetitious character whos eems to be playing a broken blood record.

I’m aware Spielberg wanted to instill fear in his viewers. All he’s managed to do is bore the crap out of them with a story that was so rich in the villinous solidarity of humanity, turning it instead into a lovey and predictable happy ending film. Even the presence of Tim Robbins as a probably pedophile only interests for so long before they dump the insinuations into a pit of lava and call it closure.

Tom Cruise is an onscreen headache, as are all the other actors on screen. The neanderthal like movement and behaviour of the crowds even further. Particularly one scene when an individual picks up a gun and looks as though he’s just discovered fire. It’s not as funny, as it is painful.

But it gets worse, when Cruise’s son begs to be released so he can find himself in the battlefield, a performance so cringe worthy you’ll cocoon yourself in and come out like a butterfly when the film ends. Morons a plenty, all you want to do is see humans get slaughtered en masse, and what you get it is a pithy little laser show that wouldn’t even be allowed at a Jean Michel Jarre show because it’s so patheticly poor. If the aliens are attacking in this manner it’s no wonder that it’s taking them forever to do so. Call me, I charge cheap for big explosions.

In the end you are not going to be entertained. This makes Independence Day look like The Piano by comparison. The level of intelligence you need to watch this film is just approaching that of a gnat, I wouldn’t want to go overboard in case those with an intelligence greater than gnat become offended by my insinutations. If you watch this pile of excrement and enjoy then you must be an avid collector of Ed Wood movies, or a real sadist.

Verdict: Diabolical, Americanfried interpretation of a classic book turned to dust. Run for the hills, it’s evil