I knew a guy called Troy. He wasn’t very popular, and used to pick his nose and stick the bogey under the table. He also smelt, and his looked like it was cut but sticking a saucepan around his head. He also had a really funny head, I used get scared in case it dropped as it looked so heavy.

But this is about the film Troy, and I’m probably later than most when it comes to watching blockbuster epics starring pretty boys and pretty girls prancing around in sand, making long and equally epic speeches, set against eh backdrop of great weather, and no matter what happens, even dead, they look pretty as a picture.

All of this is of course true of Troy, based on Homer’s poem “The Iliad” and directed by veteran director Wolfgang Petersen. Who’s he you may ask, well this is the man behind films such as Das Boot, Enemy Mine, Air Force One and The Perfect Storm, but has made quite a lot of TV films in Germany since the early 70s. In any case, Petersen helms what is in essence, another “epic” movie about battles and conflicts both within and on the battlefield. It smacks of Gladiator, Ben Hur, and oh, well I;m sure you can think of many other examples.

In any case the tale is pretty straightforward. A dictator decides to take over the Greece, uniting them as one nation, and intends to expand his empire. At the same time, one of the princes of Troy falls in love with Helen of Sparta, and her husband obviously is a bit miffed about it, so sets out to war with his brother, the dictator and psychotic, to enable to exploit the situation and bring a case for war.

Achilles is brought in to the war, fighting for the Greeks, but he has no allegiance to them, for he only fights out of bloodlust, and swears no allegiance to the king, Agamemnon (the nutty dictator). The King decides to attack Troy and through lots of happenings Achilles shows up.

Petersen is very much an over-hyped director, who’s played it safe with the direction of this film, getting performances which are average

That’s all there is to it, well there is a subplot of a couple of tales of romance, and they’re done with decency and not full on annoying, please-get-off-my-screen-romances. There’s also the subplot of people being hurt emotionally and so on, but it’s hardly what I would call convincing.

It’s all a bit detached to be honest. I enjoy the film, but it’s full of faults. The best performances come from Peter O’Toole, and Eric Bana. Brad Pitt is not bad, but his character of Achilles is rather two dimensional and has a conscience which develops erratically and suddenly, causing disbelief in his convictions as a warrior in conflict with himself. He looks good, he jumps, he fights, and he does it well, but he’s not a character you can really feel anything for. Pitt is capable of acting, but here he seems to be a robot that knows how to fight.

Eric Bana is great, and he’s getting better with every film. The Hulk failed him, as he’s a really good actor, and he plays his role as a brother, a son, and a leader of his people really well, and I think it was one of the few shining performances. The same is true of Peter O’Toole, but then he’s as rigid as a tree, and the only expressions he can make these days is with his face and voice, and you feel sympathy for the old man as he suffers indignity and pain.

Everyone else is about as wooden as Pitt. Well, that’s an injustice to Pitt, at least Pitt seemed to be enjoying himself. Bloom has really landed a role that’s really showed him to act in a capacity where he has deliver lines seriously, or convincingly. It shows in this, as you care as much for him as you do for Cast Extra #4597. The same can be said for all the other pretty people, Sean Bean and Brian Cox. Saffron Burrows wasn’t bad, but she’s subjected to sit in the background and look all distraught. She does this, and that’s all she does.

This film is not about Pitt, or Bana, nor is about O’Toole or Cox. It’s about the fighting. Although a slight step up from Lord of the Rings, with it being done in the day light, it’s difficult to truly become enthralled in the fighting. It’s only when the one on one battles take place, that the fighting truly shines, in particular the battle between the two main protagonists.

There’s no arguing that the film is epic in it’s ideas, but is it an epic film? No. To create something epic, you have to not only show it, but draw the audience in with emotion. Ben Hur was given as one example, Spartacus would be another. Gladiator I feel is heavily overrated, and quite a dull film (perhaps one of Scott’s worst in his career, in my personal opinion). I think with the advent of CGI, director’s have very much over indulged in what they can do. If they can do it, they will do it, and so the grand battles seem less epic, more artificial and less convincing. This detracts from giving any sympathy for the falling dead.

Yes the locations are stunning, but they look artificial, the sets occasionally seemed made-for-TV, and even the filming and dialogue had a “Didn’t I see/hear that in another movie?”. We’ve seen films like Troy before, and they’ve been done much better, with more entertainment, fun and excitement. As much as I dislike Gladiator, Russel Crowe’s character had a soul, whereas in Tory they’re almost all soulless and generic. There are no unique qualities or attributes that distinguish one character from another.

For all its fault’s it’s not that bad of a movie, after all there are worse. Petersen is very much an over-hyped director, who’s played it safe with the direction of this film, getting performances which are average, rather than great for fear of actually making people enjoy the film. Eric Bana is definitely the star of this film, with O’Toole and everyone else behind in no particular order.

I’m probably later than most when it comes to watching blockbuster epics starring pretty boys and pretty girls prancing around in sand

One thing I must complain about is the music. Oh dear God, not only did we hear something similar in Braveheart, and God knows what else before, but there’s also music, during the film that makes you want to pick up chop sticks and stab your ear drums to make yourself deaf. The constant trumpeting, like this was some sort of made-for-TV film where they couldn’t afford to make a decent soundtrack as they spent all the money on the CGI is absolutely awful. It grates, and it hurts to the point of wanting to cause mass suicide.

I have high hopes for Eric Bana, who is quickly evolving as an actor, and it’s good he gave up stand up comedy for a career which could really blossom. Orlando Bloom is dead weight, and is pretty much a mistake in this film. The film then, overall, is reasonably entertaining, but it’s not a classic, it’s not legendary, nor is it an epic. It’s a very average film, with a drawn out series of scenes and some saving graces in the form of non-American actors, directed by an over rated German.

Verdict: Average film, with an average director and an underwhelming yet quality cast.