So he’s back. It’s the return of Thunderpants and his arch nemesis Flex Bluto. Of course I jest, and am in fact talking about Superman and Lex Luthor. Directed by Bryan Singer, the films opening credits have an air of familiarity, particularly with the slightly remixed, rejigged original opening score.

The film itself opens at a rather pedestrian space. We’re given some text to read that states what the heck has happened to Superman since his departure, and a possible reason as to why had left in the first place. We’re then presented with a series of confusing events which feel like a retelling, and more so a rehash, of Superman’s first entry to Earth. The Kent farm quakes a bit, there’s a fireball in the sky and good ol’ Martha Kent goes off to investigate, hoping to find that piece of Kent memorabilia that had been lost for so long. There’s no longer a Mr Kent, which means if you dig the vintage mature ladies, then you’re welcome to make a bid for Mrs Kent on Ebay.

The first hour or so of the movie tries to reintroduce Superman as if he were a known criminal. They don’t want to overwhelm the victim with the reminder of assault, battery and rape. Instead, they slowly introduce Superman as well as his opposite number with regards to Lex Luthor in bits and pieces. Superman saves someone here, Luthor plots a devious plan there. It’s all a bit more than just a little repetitive, and you start to wonder whether anything is actually going to happen in the film.

I like Bryan Singer, I think he’s doing a good job in directing films ever since his first real success with The Usual Suspects. A cult classic. But there’s something about Singer and Superman that doesn’t quite mix. Sure, he did well in injecting some much needed juice into the X-men series by kick starting it off. However, switching to a member of the Justice League I don’t think has worked out as successfully.

I don’t like Brandon Routh, nor do I like Kevin Spacey. With the former it feels like he should be an episode of Dawnson’s Creek as the latest good looking fella that Dawson’s bird starts shagging – anyone but Dawson, right? Kevin Spacey – it’s easy to say I like him in his role, it would also be a lie. Spacey just doesn’t carry the charisma or the flamboyance of Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor. He just doesn’t feel evil enough, devious enough – there’s something lacking that I can’t quite place my finger on it. I miss Hackman in the role, but he’s naturally too old for the part. Unfortunately Spacey is simply a thug, not the evil criminal mind of Lex Luthor.

Back to Routh, there’s nothing I have against him per se. The only problem I do have is that he’s not Superman. I think it was daring, as well as courageous, to put in a practical unknown into the role of Superman, but I think Singer’s typical masterstroke has not been pulled off with the aplomb he might have wished for. Again, as with Luthor, Superman doesn’t feel right. I wasn’t expecting the return of Christopher Reeve, unless of course the film was called Death of Superman, or Superman’s Graveyard Shift. What I was expecting was once more, someone with a bit of zest, charisma and character. Far too often Routh’s acting abilities feel closer to the wooden magic that Keanu Reeves employs; stale, dry and all a bit too stiff. I am a robot, I am not a hoo-man. You get the idea. And having a quiff won’t make your Superman dammit.

Let’s not forget Lois Lane, the bleeding damsel in distress. You would have thought after all these years, she’d stop sticking her nose where it isn’t wanted and stop getting Superman into trouble. There’s investigative journalism, and there’s being an utter nosey bitch. She, sadly, falls in the latter role. Sure she’s prettier than the Lois of old, but honestly looks don’t mean anything when you’re acting, and in this case her looks don’t save her from what is a role of criminal proportions.

Things do take a turn for the better in the last third of the film. Superman finally confronts Luthor, and Luthor Superman in a battle of wits and thuggery on the part of Luthor. You would have though that Superman could sense the Kryptonite, but no, he’s too busy thinking about his next movie than whether or not he might die on his return.

The final moments of the film sum it up for me in the sense that it’s a comedy of errors. It’s like watching ER but with a Carry On Doctors feel to it. It’s stupid, and pretty dumb, and worst of all is the ending. A bit of a slap in the face really.

As an alternative view, I let my younger brother watch the film too. Well, guess this film isn’t for kids. Even he watched the older films and enjoyed them, but with regards to Superman Returns he summed it up in single word: boring. That is frankly what the film is. It’s a non-event and one which adds non-events on top of non-events., If the film was any duller you’d probably find yourself comatose.

So all in all, Singer’s first foray in the DC Comics legend of Superman is a major disappointment. The acting is poor, the direction is lacking, and overall there’s little to praise in the film. You would have thought introducing Superman was a bit pointless seeing as we’ve seen in about, oh, four films already. But no, for some reason Singer decides to reinvent the bleeding wheel and reintroduce us to the Man of Steel for a new generation, but then you have to wonder why when everyone knows who the fark he is anyway.

Verdict: A super bore, and one that doesn’t bode well for future incarnations.