I have this thing for B-movies. It’s almost like a fetish to find films that are so bad that they make you laugh. Characters take their roles with such seriousness, as if playing their role for the chance of an Oscar. I love the fact that the actors don’t care that they’ll be stacked next to Debbie Does Taiwan in the bargain basement of some seedy video store; this is their moment, and they play it as best they can.
Haunted House is a B-movie of sorts. I would rank it as a Z-movie, if ever such a category existed. I wanted a movie that was so bad, it was good – what I got was a movie so bad, it was diabolical. The premise for Haunted House revolves around, well, a haunted house. Someone died in the house, and I can’t really remember why – all you need to know is that there’s a ghostly presence there, and anyone who goes in will eventually end up dead. Think Blair Witch (hardly original anyway) crossed with Ringu in some fashion. I only mention Ringu because of the eventual death thing, and how the house sort of works in a similar way to the tape – once you see it, you’re dead.
Two would-be film makers decide to take two couple to the said house and make a film, attempting to scare them with pyrotechnics and special effects. The couples are supposed everyday people, trying to get into their first acting gig. Seriously, it’s quite awful how bad they can act – the group conversation seems like a preparation for some sordid porn flick, with inaudible sound and rubbish lighting. Lighting is something you will see a lack of throughout as this film has none it seems. Of course when the couples get involved, and they enter the house, the game turns into a nightmare. A film viewers nightmare, that is.
The film feels like a really bad student film, acting is woefully inadequate, with such dumb characterisation of Americana (dumb girls who want to show their breasts to the camera, and inbred frat boys drinking alcohol and submitting to the typical stereotype of reverse evolution). I’m not quite sure if it was intended as a pastiche, but from what I can tell, they’re not intelligent enough to execute such a premise.
The first hour is sheer, demoralising boredom. Nothing really happens. When I say nothing, I mean exactly that – nothing. In the beginning we see a bunch of kids getting drunk, and then we see cuts to a rail track. This goes on for about 10 minutes I suppose, and then the voice-over begins, with all the scripted reality of an elephant that thinks its human. It’s offensively dumb, and simply incredible that they have the audacity to put a viewer through so much torture. It’s really quite abysmal.
Fortunately, it’s only 75 minutes long, but believe me when I say that those 75 minutes will feel like a good couple of hours. The actors themselves don’t take their roles too seriously, hence the student film performance. They often seem nervous, unsure of what their script is. The blonde girl was great as a screeching, hysterical damsel without a clue, but perhaps she was in the wrong film.
There are no scares really – although I admit, the repeated beating of a heart tends to get my own ticker going. The use of night vision cameras, as a way to add some degree of fear or spookiness to the proceedings is simply laughable. You hear the dodgy music, and then the camera fades from monochrome to a green hue; Adobe Premiere does wonders then.
It’s obviously cheaply made, but I expected that. What I didn’t expect was such a drag, and I can understand why they did a 75 minute film; they probably couldn’t afford to do anymore. The story is cheap and by the numbers, just as the acting and direction is. These people have no talent, other than to con viewers into watching this trite and monotonous drivel. It warrants no viewing by anyone with half a mind. If I could give a movie a health warning this would be it. You know how you sometimes wish you got your time back from watching a bad film – this film will pretty much kill your willingness to live and hope that there are better films out there. Haunted House is perhaps the most modern example of crap put to film.
This film is so bad its evil. I’m thinking the devil is having a right laugh at the expense of those that watched this, with God looking down and saying “Silly bastard!”. I’m warning you as much as possible: DO NOT WATCH THIS FILM. The film makers deserve NO money whatsoever. If public executions were brought back, these people would be dealt with for offending the existence of cinema. It’s like that awful bitter after-taste of something you just can’t wash out; it lingers around for a few days just to annoy you even more.
Verdict: God awful – an abomination straight out of the devil’s rectum. Burn and destroy it, but whatever you do – DO NOT WATCH IT. You have been warned. RIP.