Two words that would put fear into the hearts of an aware film fan would be Paul Anderson. Two other words that would equally hurt when heard, and perhaps cause extreme nose bleeds, deafness as well as scary nightmares about bad German directors being funded by Germany to make bad films, would be Uwe Boll. Between the two of them, they are looking to set the world alight with game-to-movie adaptations.
It’s started an unstoppable trend that is continuing with other up and coming directors who see this as a quick way to get into movie making. There are at least a dozen films coming in this form, including Driver, Crazy Taxi and Blood Rayne amongst others. Don’t be surprised if Hollywood starts to adapt your favourite yoghurt, or perhaps even you favourite frozen foods into 90 movies of nothing.
That’s one way to describe Alone in the Dark, from Uwe Boll. Who, against the advice of the World Health Organisation, is continuing to make films that destroy the psyche, and cause hoplessness and destituion in otherwise normal, happy people. The bit about the WHO was a joke by the way, but perhaps people would like to start a petition to actually demand this. Boll is, after all, seemingly a z-movie director trapped in the body of a b-movie director. A cunning plan if ever there was one.
Alone in the Dark is based on the videogame, Alone in the Dark, except it has little to do with it other than the lead character’s name, Carnby, and the title of the film. Aside from that, it’s like meeting the inbred member of the family that no one talks about and abandons at the orphanage.
The original games were based upon the stories by HP Lovecraft, this film is based on the arrival of a dog relieving itself in a park, and watching the deposits fester in a sweltering sun, only to be surrounded by flies and to carry out their brainless activities. The acting isn’t bad. In fact, it’s worse than bad, and the people doing the acting is even more shocking.
Like Brittany Murphy, Tara Reid should simply stop starring in films, and go back to serving burgers at her local Wimpy, or perhaps just disappearing completely. She won’t be missed. I can’t quite fathom what’s happened to Stephen Dorf, and why on Earth’s he decided to star in this monstrosity, though perhaps he and Christian Slater were both drugged and forced into signing agreements to star in the film. Or perhaps they needed money. Whatever the case, both of them had me shocked in disbelief. They were once almost A-list actors, having starred in high profile movies. This must be what it’s like in Hollywood hell – you don’t pick the movies, the movies pick you. In this case, hell picked them both and they grudgingly agreed. I suppose everyone has bills to pay.
So the story, ah yes. Well I could tell you, or you could just watch the film since they decide to tell you in a minute and a half of ear burning narration and text. It’s like reading a scrolling book, except you have to feign interest in order to staty awake. A perfect example of how not to start a movie. Dear God, if any one wanted to read the first few minutes of a film, they’d just buy a book. It’s not even interesting, just some scrappy story about an ancient race that brought something back from the dark, and entered it into the light, and then they had their electricity cut. Or something. Just trying to remember the details is putting me to sleep.
There’s no real plot, in reality. There’s also no script. No diretion either. OK, it has direction, but it’s like a jackass carrying a camera strapped to his oversized belly, and using his genitals to direct them. It’s confused, it’s messy, and it’s incredibly hilarious in parts for being so bad, it just really isn’t good at all. In fact, this makes the works by Ed Wood look like the workds of Kurosawa or Bergman. You could use this film to fight of evil, because even evil would find this film an abomination to existence itself.
The characters go from one place, to another, and then somewhere else. They start firing at things that appear out of nowhere, and don’t provide any explanation as to how they got out in the first place. There’s an almost z-movie x-files vibe going on with implantations and other unfathomable logic. While doing all of this, they also have time to fire a lot of weapons in the dark, making the whole thing look like a goth rock video – cemented by the fact that metal music is played in the background with every dark firing sequence. I was sure I saw a dozen headbangers in my room rocking to the music and then disappearing after seeing that it was a Uwe Boll movie.
Before watching this, I asked people to pray for my soul. Having watched the film, I feel I have been brainwashed to support Boll in his future endeavours. For all the criticism I have levelled at him, and this film, I feel as though I should say this is the most incredible example of film cinema I have ever seen. Indeed it is, however, it’s an incredible example of abhorrent, and down right evil film cinema. Can someone please stop giving this man money to make trash. If you were to give this money to the victims of movie goers who have been exposed to this films, you would be saving lives. I’m going to need a lot of therapy and lots of toothpaste to recover from this experience. To think I’ve actually opted to watch his other great game-to-film release, House of the Dead. I think I may have become a sadist.
Verdict: Use holy water. Call a priest. Expose to extreme sunlight. Blow up. Crush. Incinerate. Just don’t watch.