I’ll probably be lynched by Ryuhei Kitamura fans, but this man is perhaps one of the most overrated, over-hyped Japanese directors around at the moment. He’s made a handful of films, which thematically follow almost exactly the same plot as his debut, Versus, does. Kitamura is the perfect example of a one hit wonder lacking sustainability.

Alive has a repetitious, nonsensical plot that just bores the pants off you. I snugly went to bed, watching the film from a distance, not caring whether or not I was watching it. It lacked interest, cohesiveness, characters, depth, consistency, even action; a trademark of of almost every bloody Kitamura picture. Convicts are chosen to take part in an experiment to do with some alien parasite from outer space that the big wigs above wish to control. The convicts are to be the hosts, and guess what, only one of them will succeed. Queue: brooding characters; flashbacks; paranoia; one timid girl who sympathises for the convict; some bad guys; a ludicrous plot riddled with holes; one large fight right at the end. That is, in a nutshell, what you can expect from this film.

Azumi is overrated stylized fun, but gets repetitive very, very quickly. It has lots of style, but no real content. You don’t care for anyone in any of Kitamura’s films, regardless of how much history he sticks them with. His scriptwriting is pretty horrendous, and often he fails to get any of his cast to act convincingly. Ever since Versus, the acting has been abysmal, but because it’s a trendy director who uses lots of flash direction, special effects and co-ordinates cool fighting scenes, he’s automatically good, right? No. He’s crap.

Alive has a repetitious, nonsensical plot that just bores the pants off you

Versus had its moments, but it was 30 minutes too long, with some hammy acting. It had huge potential, but fell on its arse most of the time. Kitamura can be given credit for some solid camera work though; in that regard, he’s excellent, and his use of colour, tone, pace and so on is masterful. It’s just a shame he can’t write a script even if was ghost written for him. He’s rubbish as a writer. His plots are contrived garbage, and let’s face it, with the exception of Alive, pretty much all are about high-speed action. I guess the closest Western example would be Joel Schumacher or Jan De Bont. His intentions are good, but he really tends to have a habit of making absolute turkeys.

I enjoyed the flash back scenes, which were very well handled. The stupidity of the film just grew and grew. It was also very, very boring with not a lot going on. You’re supposedly meant to feel sympathy for the poor, deluded convict who killed for to protect his love. All you really want to do is slap the bastard about a bit and wake him up. The incessant crying just gets on your nerves after a bit, particularly as it’s hardly convincing. Sympathy? He needs a bloody pacifier!

There’s not much in the way of good to be said about Alive. Stylish yes, but like most his work, overall crap. I have both Azumi and Versus – perhaps his best pieces of work, and visually stunning. My friend was stupid enough to buy this crap based on the strength of those two films. I’ll certainly not be adding this rubbish to my shopping basket.

You have to hope that Godzilla: Final Wars will not turn out to be rubbish, and that his decision to create Versus 2 for 2005 will not end up regurgitating the same thing the first did. Rumours are it may even be a prequel of sorts, or a continuation of where the first left off. It’s rather ironic then, that his best piece of work so far is Versus, and after several films, his second best may end up being a sequel.

Verdict: Rubbish. It doesn’t even deserve a screen grab