The world’s greatest comic writer/director returns for yet another a family filled feast of fun. Now, romantic comedies are perhaps not his forte, but this is quite an interesting one about the human species and two different species of alien. As you can imagine, not everything goes according to plan!
The Aliens and the Predators are two different types of the alien species who are entangled in an ongoing sports day game called “Predator chases Alien for fun”, which takes places every few centuries. Caught between this romantic sandwich are the human species: pathetic, weak, and about as smart and sophisticated as their egos. What Paul Anderson has done, is merged two well known and cult icons of Sci-Fi Actioners suitable only for those old enough to vote, and turned them into your cuddly Barney characters, with extra large fangs. The humans are the mayonnaise (or half fat salad cream if you fancy).
It’s been a long and difficult road to get this film made. Ridley Scott expressed interest, but didn’t have the time as he had to make a war movie and a poor man’s Ben Hur/Spartacus. James Cameron was offered the film, but the fact was that he was too busy swimming in the millions (billions?) he made from Titanic, and needed some time to himself; a bit like Scrooge McDuck in his Duck Tales cartoon.
So, it fell into the lap of Paul W S Anderson, who, as we all know, was the perfect choice having made some brilliant comedies. Highlights of his career so far include Shopping, an educational film on how to ram raid; Mortal Kombat, a film about the school of Kung Fu for orphaned children; Event Horizon, (not written by him!) a comic, Gothic version of Solaris (1972); and most recently Resident Evil, a very funny film about zombies and mutations, and how it all goes horribly wrong (starring the equally funny actress, Milla Jovovich!).
I went into this film with my eyes open, knowing it was going to bad. I just wanted to know how bad it really was. Just how awful could two cult icons be in a film, with a script that is rather abysmal to say the least. The answer is a pretty grim one I’m afraid to say. He’s not the greatest director ever, but his scripts are the sort you’d find from an aspiring but talentless, marijuana smoker who lives his life as a student on a part time basis. It’s one of those scripts that if you thought it up, it seemed like such a great idea, but the more you thought about it, the more scared you became of just how bad an idea it is if put into practice.
Now, the ideas in the film are not preposterous: Predators use humans as vessels for alien eggs, for the Aliens are the ultimate prey. I think what’s flopped in this film is the addition of a rubbish director and script writer. This is a subjective opinion, as all opinions are, but let’s be honest, Anderson is incapable of writing an enjoyable script. They read like bad novels that are being given away with anything you buy. Had this been directed by someone who cared little for the money, and kept to the tension and fear that the original films provided, then this could have worked well. That and a much, much better script.
You have to question the decision to place the film in a previous timezone to all the other films, like some sort of prequel. This is a pretty bad idea, as the only thing the humans have to defend with seem to be potato guns, excessive tears, and grovelling, sometimes leading to begging. The characters are one dimensional and throwaway, resembling condom use: used, abused and then thrown away. You care for no one, because there is no character development whatsoever.
Who’s bright idea was to bring back the dead from the future? That is to say, human Bishop, in Fincher’s underrated Alien 3, is in this film which is set a helluva long time before space travel is even possible. The logic? Well, Anderson decided that none of the Alien films happened, and so decided to rewrite Sci-Fi history – so what we get, instead of an ego-maniacal leech, is a dying drag of a nuisance. I feel sorry for Lance Henrikson, it’s not like he’s making that much money as it is, particularly since they cancelled Millennium, which was a fair bore.
The rest of the cast of annoyances include all your cliched stereotypes from 1980: the tough, man-like woman, the arrogant scientists, the suspect (yet quiet) characters by Bishop’s side (who is the owner of Weyland industries – a family business started hundreds of years ago), the Neanderthal gung-ho morons, the bully who is actually scared feckless. I won’t go on, but everything you saw in 80s action films you find here. There are several homages to the original films, sadly this isn’t enough to rescue this disaster.
It’s fair to say that Paul Anderson is a crime against humanity; his very existence is a threat to the film industry as he poisons the waters of Hollywood even more with horrendous executions of a half-decent idea. Let’s be fair, the idea of bringing two huge nemesis in one film, is actually not a very good one. Freddy vs Jason did a pretty poor job of it, but it had its moments, but on the whole is best avoided. Think about it: a film with two sets of aliens chasing after one another. It’s not exactly the most exciting idea is it? No dialogue, just repeated and monotonous fighting. Where’s the human spirit? Where’s the human story? Where’s the tension? The fear? Ah, it’s in stasis, and not in Anderson’s PG-13 vocabulary. I’m surprised he didn’t cast his financee, and dim-witted actress, Jovovich in the lead role; perhaps it was part of the negotiations.
Although the Aliens look like Aliens, they have neither the smartness nor the grace with which the original Alien had. There was a Gothic, frightening horror about the original which set fear into your heart. The ones in this film seem to grin a lot. Credit where credit’s due, he does make a lot of visual references to the original films, but that’s all they are. They add nothing to the film itself, and seem to be part of contractual obligations. The predators have all the agility of a blind tortoise and seem rather lethargic. Considering it took an entire squad to kill the first Predator, it’s quite shocking how weak these ones are.
Without giving too much away, you will find that the first half of the film plays like a pretentious human drama with no characterisation; the second half is a romantic comedy. It’s a shameful cash in on two incredibly well known names, and it’s very likely that there will a, God forbid, sequel of sorts in the works; at the very least, the hype machine will ensure we will see a big budget Predator 3, Alien 5 or AvP 2. It’s perhaps a more frightening thought than watching this film.
The film is empty, and very weak on plot structure. Many people die, but of course being PG-13 they cannot be too graphic…that is unless it’s an alien. To that end, I would say the film is perhaps too violent even for a PG-13, and although American regulation looks down upon human and animal damage in low rating films, I think they should rethink their ratings for violence, as this is still gruesome in parts. Any violence this excessive regardless of the violence, is too much for younger children in my opinion. Even though you actually get about 20 minutes of it, of which only 6 minutes is barely approaching decent action.
If you watched this, thinking it was going to be great and felt disappointed, then you need to see a doctor, because the fact is if anyone goes to watch a Paul Anderson film thinking it’s going to be any good is a fool. It’s possible to grow more talent in a petri dish, than Paul Anderson will ever acquire. He said he wanted to make something different, and with AvP he certainly had done so. It’s abysmal, lacking direction, script, character, action, drama, tension – all the elements you would expect from a film with a moniker that sports the names of two of biggest Sci-Fi icons? It’s hard to decide which is worse: this, Predator 2 or Alien Resurrection.
The film is 140 minutes from start to end, but you only actually get 88 minutes of film – the remaining 22 minutes are taken up by the end credits, which perhaps says more than it needs to about how cheaply, and quickly this has job was put together. You can look forward to more mediocrity from Mr Anderson in the future, and hopefully you can make this man earn a lot of money quickly so that he can stop making films.
Verdict: It’s Paul W S Anderson. It’s total crap. Enjoy!